Raising the Righteous Standard of Fathering for the Glory of God XXII – Provoking and Exasperating Children

Ever given any thought to the fact that there are only really three didactive (or instructive) passages in the New Testament about parenting and all three only speak to fathering or are directed at fathers? They can be found in I Corinthians 7:36-38, Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21.

Now if you have read the whole Bible you know that mothers and mothering is extremely important to the expansion and establishment of the Kingdom of God – or God’s purposes and righteous rule and reign on the earth. And hopefully you understand that while the instruction we are going to look at is directed to fathers, it also applies to mothers. So the reason for the Holy Spirit’s decision to not give any overt instruction to mothers about their mothering in the New Testament cannot be because mothering is not important. Some would say this decision is because mothers innately are wired to mother and I suppose there is some truth to that, though I do not believe that is the main reason for this omission in the New Testament. I think the main reason is because fathers have a huge impact on the emotional and spiritual development of their children and if we can get fathers to live accordingly or Biblically,  mothers will far more easily fall in line with their responsibilities. If fathers do not father according to God’s brilliant, good and effective plan, then no matter what mothers do, children will suffer.

Some say that Paul was not directing these instructions to fathers, but rather to both parents – using the word “Fathers” loosely or generically. But if that is the case, why didn’t he use the Greek word translated parents that we see in both Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20 when addressing children? If he had both parents equally in mind wouldn’t he have used the word for that since he just used it in the prior verse?

Ever given any thought to the fact that while God surely had much instruction to give to fathers about fathering and while God is passionate about righteous fathering, the Holy Spirit only chose in both Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus and in his letter to the church in Colossae to provide one verse of instruction (two verses in Paul’s first letter to the church in Corinth)? Please do not make the erroneous deduction from this that Paul only gave one verse to this because fathering was not important in his eyes. Or he was in a hurry to get on to more important things. This could not be farther from the truth.

So if God limited Himself to such measured restraint - - or put another way - - if of all the things God could have said about fathering He only said these things shouldn’t we who care about righteous and effective fathering and the kingdom of God and the glory of God give our utmost attention to these things? Shouldn’t we want to milk these short passages for all they are worth?

In this post, I would like to address only the instruction in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3, since they are complementary and similar in scope.

While Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 6 is similar to his exhortation in Colossians 3 in terms of his negative command, they differ in that in Ephesians 6 Paul adds a positive command. Let’s look at Ephesians 6:4 first: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” 6:4

Fathers, the very worst thing you can do to the emotional and spiritual development of your children is to provoke them to anger. Few things fathers you will ever do in life will cause more emotional and spiritual damage to your children than provoking them.  So what does it mean to provoke and how does that cause anger to rise up in our children?  Well Noah Webster in his original 1828 dictionary – referring to Ephesians 6:4 – says this word provoke has the idea of “to make angry, to offend, to incense, to enrage” . It is to say or do something, or perhaps to neglect to say or do something that one’s child immediately sees as unrighteous, unjust, selfish, mean, hypocritical and not becoming. Somehow innately a child (young or old) knows what is appropriate behavior and what is not for their dad to a certain degree. And they typically are very forgiving when it is a very occasional (not consistent) thing. But if it happens with regularity deep hurt and resentment begins to set in their soul.

So what are some of the ways a father might provoke their children that leads them to deep rooted anger and resentment? Here are some examples:

-              Showing them little attention in a given day, but getting all excited when a friend calls and wants some of your time and attention.

-              Showing them little attention in a given day, but being all over your devices to check in on emails, texts, Instagram and facebook activity, etc.

-              Showing them little attention in a given day, finding no ways to affirm them, but being critical of their appearance, dress, weight, intelligence, messy rooms, sports achievements, etc.

-              Being consumed with your work at the expense of investing in your children relationally.

-              Missing meals with your children as a result of giving into work pressure, social opportunities with friends or colleagues, having to get that run in, or even for religious reasons.

-              Not being focused on them when they are trying to tell you something about their day, especially if they are sharing about a difficult experience.

-              Treasuring your favorite T.V. show, sports event, or movie over building relationally with your children.

-              Often giving lame excuses for why you cannot attend their recitals, games, etc. Religious lame excuses can be especially damaging.

-              Leaving all the night time hygiene and preparing for sleep and working through issues to Mom, while you choose to do something else.

-              Not taking time to read the Bible or children’s Bibles or devotionals at their level to them and praying with them to the point where they are comforted and secure that God loves them and cares about them and will protect them. This is especially important at night time.

-              Not honoring their mother and making her a priority in your life.

-              Not carving out special times to be with each child alone and not making a big deal out of their birthdays or achievements at school, etc.

-              Backing out of verbal commitments you made to them to do something with them or to attend something special to them.

-              Criticizing them in front of others.

-              Throwing money and things at one’s child or children, but being unwilling to give yourself to them.

Anger in the Scriptures is seen as a very destructive thing. James says plainly it “…does not achieve the righteousness of God.” James 1:20   And yet many are plagued by it on into their later years. Often in my experience and in my research the roots of it can be traced back to an absent, neglectful or abusive father. Some of you may be thinking, “I know of people who were not fathered well, and they are not angry people.”  Well anger is not the only negative or destructive consequence of children being provoked or neglected, abused, etc.

In Paul’s letter to the Colossian church, he gives a similar negative command with a different consequence: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”  Colossians 3:21   To exasperate one’s child is to deeply frustrate them, irritate them or enrage them again often by neglect, over the top criticism, abandonment, abuse, etc.   What does it mean to lose heart?   Again children are typically vey forgiving. But when they are mistreated by their fathers repeatedly or regularly their souls are increasingly damaged and wounded and it can literally suck the life out of them. It causes them to easily give up. It causes them to deduct that they are of little value or worth. It certainly is one of the big reasons why some young ladies at a very early age give their bodies over to lust filled boys/young men over and over.

Children can overcome most anything if they know their father is in their corner. If he consistently is not, their motivation and self confidence receives a heavy blow.

Well Paul goes on in his instruction to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 by stating that not only are they not to provoke their children, but instead they are to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Fathers as a way of life are to be hands on in the raising of their children – training them and helping them grow up as ever passionate disciples of Jesus. Fathers are to be regularly helping their children come to know their Savior and once saved, helping them grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. This was never meant to be left to the mother. And this of course is to be done out of a cultivated relationship with them. It is to be led by the Spirit and grounded in grace. And is impossible to achieve if we fathers are not growing daily ourselves in all these things and yoked with others pursuing the same.

Fathers – you have the opportunity and great privilege of shaping and molding your children’s hearts and souls so that they can become all that God has destined them to be. May the Holy Spirit fill you with renewed motivation and focus to pursue this calling until your dying breath. You are in my prayers for such!