The Bible, God and Funerals/Memorials – Part II – The New Testament

“Is a man any better because other men think him better? When one man praises another it is like a liar speaking to a liar, or a flatterer congratulating a flatterer, or a blind man leading a blind man, or someone feeble giving a helping hand to someone equally feeble. So pointless is this praise that it only brings shame on the individual who falls for it.

The humble Saint Francis said: “A man is only as great as he is in Your eyes and no greater.”

Thomas A Kempis – The Imitation of Christ p. 157

Putting together Funerals, Memorials or Wakes for loved ones who have died is a very integral part of American life, and probably life in every nation and culture, though we all deal with it differently. We typically put them together and participate in them based on what we have seen others do - rarely questioning why we do the things we do and what underlying thought patterns inspire or guide our actions.

For most of we Americans that will probably not change unless or until widespread revival and awakening breaks out across our land, at which point we will rethink a whole lot of things. But for we disciples of Jesus Christ, for those of us seeking to know and follow and glorify Him, how and why we do funerals or memorials or wakes for our loved ones deserves some thoughtful and prayerful consideration.

I was surprised to discover that there are no records in the N.T. of the deaths, burials or memorials (if there were any) for Joseph, Mary, Elizabeth, Zacharias, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, Peter, James, Jude, Barnabus, Timothy, Titus, Apollos, Prisca & Aquilla, Silas, Epaphras, Epaphroditus,…to name a few. If there ever was any kind of funeral or memorial for someone who died in the New Testament era, God didn’t feel we needed to know about it.

This reality should cause us to ponder how and why we do the things we do. So also should the following New Testament passages. I submit them and some meditations on them for your consideration:

How much should we celebrate someone’s life and achievements when it is possible God will reject them and send them to hell – when it is possible God will say to them, “I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.” Matthew 7:23  Jesus made this indictment even though these folk claimed they prophesied and cast out demons and performed many miracles in His name, which they indeed might have done (see vs. 22). In some circles they might not have made these claims, but perhaps others like, “Hey I attended church regularly…”; or “I sang in the choir and taught Sunday school”; or “I served on the deacon board…”; etc. (See Luke 13:23-28).

The reality of that greater discussion in Matthew 7 is “…the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it,….the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.” (vs. 13,14).

No matter what a man or woman accomplished in this fallen world. No matter what accolades they received for their accomplishments. If they did not truly bow their knee to Jesus as Lord and seek to know and love and walk with and serve Him as a way of life - - their eternal destiny is in question and God we can be sure is absolutely unimpressed with their worldly accolades.

In spite of Jesus’s words herein, in most funerals I have attended or officiated at, the family and close friends are confident their deceased loved one is in heaven “looking down upon them”.

“Another of the disciples said to Him, “Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Follow Me, and allow the dead to bury their own dead.” Matthew 8:21,22  Contextually Jesus is dealing with those who give excuses for not following Him fully and immediately, both of which He reasonably expects from all of us.  In this person’s case, when he spoke of burying his father, he very likely had more in mind than just the physical burying. But what this should communicate to us is that this fleshly and worldly tendency we have to venerate our deceased loved ones as if they somehow will know and care about what we say about them after they die is a tradition of man not of God. Following Christ fully and obediently and immediately is so important – even if our father or mother dies – and those who know them are expecting us to make a big tadoo over their funeral - - following and honoring Christ should be at the forefront of our minds – not what the world around us expects regarding the typical veneration of one’s parent.

Perhaps at this point we should make clear that when the Bible speaks of honoring one’s father or mother in every context that I know of it is speaking of the now – while they are alive, not after they have died. For instance, in Matthew 15:1-9 Jesus rebukes the Pharisees and scribes for not honoring their Father and Mother and He quotes that command from Exodus 20:12, 21:17; Lev. 20:9 and Deut. 5:16. But their specific sin or disobedience to that command that He addresses is their choosing to not help their parents out financially and materially while they are alive and when the Pharisees and scribes had the means to do so. The five times in the four gospels when Jesus refers to this commandment are all referring to the now or while the parents are living. This of course does not mean that we can trash our parents after they die. But I just want to make sure that when we consider doing a funeral or memorial for a parent we do not think that is what this command is referring to.

Many in our society feel a great responsibility and heavy burden to put together a funeral that is fitting or worthy of the deceased parent.  J.D. Vance (our current Vice President) in his book Hillbilly Elegy tried to describe in many different ways the unique Appalachian culture that he grew up in. Re: funerals therein, when his “Papaw” died, who helped raise him, he said, “The adults did what people do when a loved one dies; They planned a funeral, figured out how to pay for it, and hoped that they did the deceased some justice.”  This sense of responsibility to not only do a funeral but to do one worthy of the one who died is from our culture, not from Scripture. I’m not saying doing a funeral is wrong. I’m just saying the underlying motivations for it are not necessarily Biblical. They are typically more cultural.

“Truly I say to you, among those born of women there has not arisen anyone greater than John the Baptist! Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.” Matthew 11:11  Jesus’s intention or purpose in this passage is not to exalt John as much as it was to rebuke the crowds for their unresponsiveness to the message John preached, which was from God. The last sentence re: those who are “…least in the kingdom of heaven..” further substantiates this.

“His disciples came and took away the body and buried it; and they went and reported to Jesus.” Matthew 14:12  When John the Baptist’s disciples found out about his beheading in prison, they somehow were allowed to get his body and bury it. They then went and found Jesus and told Him what had happened. Jesus then according to vs. 13 “….withdrew from there in a boat to a secluded place by Himself…”. John was Jesus’s cousin and forerunner. They probably grew to know and love each other growing up though not in the same town. Jesus clearly loved and valued John and His obedient service. Such a senseless evil murder had to grieve Him deeply. But He knew only the Father could heal such grief so He sought His presence and comfort alone. Time may lessen the pain of one’s grief, but time in and of itself will not heal it. Nor will well meaning friends and acquaintances at memorial services though that may be appropriate and necessary in some circumstances. Jesus’s example of going straight to God alone for comfort is one we must learn to emulate.

The living God is a God of the now and the living, and thus when the crowds found Jesus soon after He withdrew, He ministered to their needs – never mentioning the atrocity that had just happened (see vs. 13b- 21). John was in the presence of His maker. Jesus still had a mission to complete. So do we who know and love Him.

“They (Jesus, Peter, James & John) came to the house of the synagogue official; and He saw a commotion, and people loudly weeping and wailing. And entering in, He said to them, “Why make a commotion and weep? The child has not died, but is asleep.” Mark 5:38-40   Few things in life are more grievous than when a child dies. Jairus’s daughter had just died, and Jairus was well known. Many had gathered to mourn with the child’s mother. While many of these people were probably good Jews and faithful synagogue attenders, to them death was the final authority. Death had the final say. But Jairus was with Jesus when he was informed that his child had died, at which point Jesus commanded Jairus, “Do not be afraid any longer; only believe.” (vs. 36). Jairus now was in the midst of a significant test. Will he believe the mourners and well wishers?  Or will He believe Jesus, who always has the last say. Jesus had little patience with the mourners because His focus was on Jairus’s faith.

“Woe to you! For you build the tombs of the prophets, and it was your fathers who killed them. So you are witnesses and approve the deeds of your fathers; because it was they who killed them, and you build their tombs.” Luke 11:47, 48 Clearly the tomb building was inspired by men not God. What Jesus was after with these Pharisees was repentance for not heeding the message of the prophets. Seemingly religious men can build tombs and even church buildings and yet have lived a life of rebellion and ungodliness; and have ignored the sins of their fathers, which God clearly does not want us to ignore. (For more on the sins of the fathers, see my five part series on Generational Sins or the Sins of the Fathers starting with this one: https://www.kingdomstreams.net/post/raising-the-righteous-standard-of-fathering-for-the-glory-of-god-part-ix   ).

 “And He said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” Luke 16:15   One of the great challenges ministers who officiate at funerals face is family members arranging the funeral of their deceased loved one may not know God at all or barely. Therefore they for a variety of reasons want their loved one to be as esteemed as possible by men at the funeral or memorial. It may be in the eyes of the world they were a “great” person. But God, who knows the deceased persons’ every thought and deed and intention will often not agree with their assessment. This is one reason why I have sought to say as little as possible at funerals about the deceased person and say as much as I could about how to know and get right with God.

“…and the rich man also died and was buried. In Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torment, and saw Abraham far away and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried out and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus so that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool off my tongue, for I am in agony in this flame. But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that during your life you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted here, and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great chasm fixed, so that those who wish to come over from here to you will not be able, and that none may cross over from there to us.” And he said, ‘Then I beg you, father, that you send him to my father’s house – for I have five brothers - ….” Luke 16:22-28                                                         Lots of important truths packed in this short story: First, people who have died and who are in heaven cannot communicate in any way with those who have died and are in hell. Nor can those who are in hell communicate with those who are still alive on earth. 

When family members have been allowed to share their thoughts at funerals, I have heard this kind of thinking expressed a number of times:

“We all miss (the deceased) greatly but I know he/she is here with us.” Or “We know their spirit is here with us.” Or “We know they are looking down upon us.”

Please know there is no biblical basis for this thinking. Once a person dies they are under God’s authority - whether in heaven or hell. They are not some kind of free spirit able to roam where they want. (Too learn more about the reality of hell and eternal punishment with some comments on this passage see: https://www.kingdomstreams.net/post/hell-hades-destruction-and-eternal-punishment-part-iii ).

Sometimes people ask if someone who has died can somehow speak (not audibly necessarily, but somehow in their spirit) to someone who is still alive on planet earth. In most cases I would say no, but there is one story that should be referenced. It is in I Samuel 28. King Saul is experiencing the judgment of God and in desperation he asks a spirit medium to bring the prophet Samuel up from the dead to hopefully give King Saul some guidance. She does so and Samuel appears and rebukes Saul for disturbing him and further pronounces God’s judgment upon him. I probably should add to this that Jesus had a conversation with Moses and Elijah up on the mountain whereupon He was transfigured, and Peter, James and John witnessed it (see Luke 9:28-36).

I have heard of people who were offended by someone at some point in their life. Then that persons (the offender) dies. Then at some point that dead person does not appear to them physically, but somehow apologizes to them. (When we die we can no longer ignore unrighteous acts we have committed. Our deeds will be front and center).

From these testimonies, it appears to have been a very quick statement and it was over. There was no discussion or further communication. I have not experienced this. But people whom I know and trust have. I would say if this happens it is rare and should not be expected or hoped for by people still alive.

“So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.” Luke 17:10   Even for those who might have mostly lived a life of obedience to Christ, they only did what they were created to do and should have done and that by His grace and power. Jesus though in this passage is speaking to what they should say about themselves, not what others should or should not say about them. But this verse/principle should be considered by those putting together a funeral service.

Here are some examples of people weeping and mourning who Jesus took issue with and who were in danger of missing what He was saying and doing in the now:

-              Jesus dead and then raised – Mark 16:9-14

-              Jairus’s daughter – Mark 5:35-40

-              Lazarus – John 11:17-27 Martha & vs. 38-45    the disciples 11-16

-              Mother of son in Nain – Luke 7:11-15

-              Eutyches – Acts 20:9-12  esp. vs. 10b

Acts 5:6 – Ananias and Sapphira – buried by young men and never mentioned again

Acts 8:2 “Some devout men buried Stephen, and made loud lamentation over him.” (7:59,60)

Acts 12:2 “And he had James the brother of John put to death with a sword.” No mention of mourning or memorial

“So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth.” I Corinthians 3:7

“For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God…..So then let no one boast in men.” I Corinthians 3:19, 21

“For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?  I Corinthians 4:7

One of the huge problems in the church in Corinth was that they were so man centered, and their identity and sense of value and importance was not in Christ, but rather in which of His servants they were aligned with. Though they were born again, and had become children of God, the culture they were born and raised in still had a big imprint on their souls.  They saw the church through the lens of their culture.

Often funerals and memorials are affected by this reality. Attendance at one, especially for someone well known, can be all tied up in image and wanting to be known as one aligned with the said well known deceased person. Mark Twain (a beloved American writer, humorist, and essayist of more than a century ago) observed this, as he noted, “In order to know a community, one must observe the style of its funerals and know what manner of men they bury with most ceremony".

For those of us contemplating whether to have a funeral or how to put it together and what to say about the deceased person, these three passages from I Corinthians should be in the forefront of our minds.

 Since Jesus in the 7 letters to His churches in Revelation chapters 2 & 3 welcomes and rejoices over those who overcome sin, the world, the devil, suffering, and persecution…

Do we not confuse and deceive people (especially young ones) when we praise and esteem people (and their lifestyle) that God does not esteem or even despises?

Concluding Observations:

1.        While the burials & memorials (if there ever was one) for many godly men and women were not even mentioned in Scripture, the mourning for those who lost loved ones to death is sometimes mentioned; and we know our God had compassion for some of the said mourners (e.g. see Jesus in John 11 at Lazarus’s tomb). We also know that “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.” Psalm 116:15   We just need to make sure we let the Scriptures determine who is godly and who is not and not the Christian culture around us, which is often a mixture of truth and the traditions of men (see Matthew 15:3,6, Mark 7:3).

2.        Because God is true and all men are liars (Romans 3:4) and because only God is good (Mark 10:18) and because it is the mercy of God that we are not consumed (Lam. 3:22,23 K.J.); and because no man is great, only God is great (Psalm 145:3) – if a memorial is held for someone – only God deserves to be praised – especially for His mercy, goodness and forbearance towards the dead person.

3.        Once a person dies, he/she has to stand before God. The last thing on their mind at that point is what anyone thinks of them back on the earth. While that might have been in the forefront of their minds while on earth, once they are in God’s presence, that will quickly vanish. In other words, they will not care a flip about their memorial or funeral or what people say or do regarding their life on earth. And they at that point will see their life on earth very differently than they did while on earth.

4.        I do want to say that funerals or memorials can be effective evangelistic tools or opportunities if the family gives the minister the freedom to do as he feels led to do. I have done a number of funerals for people who lived tragic lives and everyone in the family knew it and there was no pressure to make them look like a saint. A handful of these funerals at best had one true believer present. I knew many of these people might never walk through the doors of a church building. But they listened to every word I said, and seeds of the kingdom were definitely planted and the gospel went forth to those unlikely to hear elsewhere.

5.        If you have to have a tombstone, can I make a suggestion on what to put on it, as long as this is definitely true of you?  “Vacant”!  

6.        A word to young ministers: In your lifetime you will probably do a funeral or two for people you have no relationship with and most likely will not afterwards. In that case you do the best you can with the opportunity God gives you and pray that the seeds will be watered by someone else.                                                                                                                        But especially if you minister in one region for a long time, you will get to know many people and their clans or extended family members. Depending on where you live and minister and how entrenched the family culture is in that region, you will sooner or later encounter fairly fierce family loyalty or a code of honor. Over the generations members of the said clan learn that nothing is more important than fighting for the honor and reputation of their family/clan. J.D. Vance speaks of this regarding his “Mamaw” in his book “Hillbilly Elegy” p. 134. “…her favorite show as the HBO mob story The Sopranos. The show’s main character, Tony Soprano, was a violent killer, an objectively terrible person by almost any standard. But Mamaw respected his loyalty and the fact that he would go to any length to protect the honor of his family.”    His cousin, Bonnie’s comments are enlightening, “When I first read the manuscript of the book, I worried about some of the darkest times in our family’s past being brought to light. I worried what people would think about my relatives. J.D. himself had broken one of the cardinal hillbilly rules through his book: telling family secrets to outsiders. And, at first, I wasn’t happy about it. Now, however, I have come around to the idea of the world knowing our family secrets. Judging by the response many around the world have had to the book, I think it was good to shine a light on those dark times.”  J.D.’s cousin – Bonnie Meibers

When the members of a clan have not learned to place their security and identity firmly and only in Christ, they will inevitably place it somewhere else. Our job is to over time see this clan idolatry replaced with Christ worship and devotion. I would commend you to Paul’s words in II Corinthians 10:3-5, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,”. This is primarily accomplished through intercession over the long haul for the said clan and speaking and proclaiming truth no matter the cost. May the Lord use you mightily to see families come into their destiny in Christ and in Him alone.

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